14th year house bound

[Jacques]

Hi @MockingJay,

I am so sorry, if you are looking for someone who feels compassion or kindness for humans, i am definately the wrong person.

You are right i have been conditioned and tortured by humans over decades, the rage and hate i have for the human race knows no bounds, i am sorry i just struggle with a hatred of humans and a loathing of myself for being human.

I do hope that you are right and human can one day find a medication to turn off the chemical in the brain that makes people so hateful, spitful and cruel.

Once again i do appologise, i think this is one topic i should always stay away from.  it only upsets people.

[MockingJay]

That's understandable my friend. But a word to the wise... B careful that the very thing u abhor so vehemently in ur own kind doesn't overtake u n u wake up one day n find you've become the very thing u dispise in those who've hurt u. Going by the content in ur last reply certainly reflects that u r already well on ur way in that direction. And that's all I have to say about that.

[Jacques]

Hi @MockingJay,

You are so wise,, it is too late, i already have become that person, i would not have been able to survive the torutre this long without all the hate and anger, that is all that is keeping me going now.

If i let go of it, i would fall to peices, this is the only emotion my torturers have left me. i feel nothing else. all other emotions i can only fake through memory of them.

[Appleblossom]

Hi @Jacques

In these turbulent times it is sad to see the violence and economic inequities that plague our world. 

I know that you have compassion for those who suffer ... that is enough for me ... at different times in our lives we conceptualise differently ... in many ways the felt experience of anger ... is intense and makes us feel alive ... even we suffer and may not want to be here.

I am not sure how to make a difference ... what this planet and my small social circle would be like if I had left 1 or 2 decades ago ... I am still here and stubbornly I try ... I keep acknowledging my anger ... but try not to act out of it ... I dont know more than that ...

When we generalise that humanity is evil we do deny the good and beautiful bits ... and some people feel offended by that.... because maybe they are struggling not to succumb to hatred themselves ... I know that you are trying to hold onto some part of our good instincts by your support to @hiddenite

I think it would be good if @MockingJay posted more about his life experiences on another thread .... in a way that reflects how he is able to feel optimism about humankind.

I hope I have not offended anyone ... but I feel for you all.

[MockingJay]

It is never too late my friend. Never...too... late. You only have to want to.

[Appleblossom]

You are right @MockingJay sometimes we do need to let things lie ... as in lay down and leave things as they are ... and let each individual come to his or her own considered opinions in their/our own time.

I cant remember if it was @NikNik or @CherryBomb who helped me stop taking things personally ...

You seem to have insights to share .... some of the trick is not triggering in reactive or oppositional frames of mind but being able to stand firmly in our own experience AND SHARE FROM OUR OWN "I".

I would love to know how old you are and what experienceshave given you your beliefs.  Sometimes it is good to try to convince or persuade other times it just intensifies our walls and barriers from each other.

[MockingJay]

U say it was niknik or cherry bomb that helped u stop taking things personally. U need to revisit the train of thought again. And as far as sharing my experiences or beliefs implies a judgemental attitude is being directed at me personally. Yet when I watched the video about the life experiences forum it described this forum to b anything but judgemental and anonymity is to b respected. I think u need to revisit the video concerning the life experiences forum because It sounds like you've forgotten the reason behind why this forum exists. And the reason why it exists is why I joined.

[Jacques]

Hi My angel,

Well another day, i do hope your classes are not too upsetting for you and that lady is leaving you alone, please try to be kind to yourself, you are such a strong and brave woman, you are an inspiration to me.

Well not much to report, the birds are singing which is nice, they sound like they are having a birdy convension, their is so many of them singing.  i am going out to try and fix my mower which is playing up, i hope we get a chance to tal kthis afternoon.

My thoughts and prayers are with you my friend.

Jacques

[hiddenite]

Hi Jacques

It's been a really difficult day in sick and tired of strange people telling me what to do.

They won't leave me to isolate myself and I'm struggling terribly with the classes and being triggered.

My head feels like it's going to explode,desperately need some time to myself.

The girls are coming in tonight.

I hope your anxiety has eased a bit for you, when are you due to go to the doctors.

I'm sure it must be soon.

Thinking of you 

Karen

[Jacques]

Hi My Angel,

oh Karen, yes it is tough having people who have never suffered MI telling us how to cope with it, and i know how hard it must be with the classes, especially when you have rarely been around that many people, all you can do is try, and that is what you are doing Karen.

I do wish their was a place you could get some alone time, how about in the Bathroom? or a classroom when everyone else has gone?

Oh that will be nice Karen, i do hope the girls don't get too upset tonight, i know how tough it is on you and the girls, i can't wait for you to be back with them, i am sure you really miss being with them.

I am going to have to go to the doctors in the first week in December, i am dredding the visit, i will probably just sit their quietly and just get the same script.  i am just too frightened to say anything, too frightened they will put me in the same place as you.

Thinking of you too my angel. i hope the day goes quickly for you.

Jacques