My Mosaic

[Bow]

I’m such a right royal f’up. I’m such a disappointment to my mum, I can never do anything right. 

She had to look after me for years when all I wanted to do was die. She funded my rehab stay. Now I’m a single mum and I’m back living with my parents and my life is spiralling out of control and here She is having to pick up the pieces.

this afternoon I was sitting at my computer talking to the HC about my appointment this afternoon, I was so frustrated and angry with myself I just need to talk to someone. Thought I was doing the right thing. Mum walks in and wants to sit and I ask her to leave as I was doing stuff. 

Now she hates me. She hates that I talk to others absolutely not her. She hates that my pastors know more about mum life than she does. Now I just have to shut up and not talk to anyone. I have to keep it inside. I can’t  do anything right by her. I’m such a disappointment and a failure in her eyes. I don’t know why I even bother. I wish I was gone. I wish Monday turned out different. 

[Emelia8]

Dear @Bow  Im really sorry. 😔

I hear and feel how upset you are.

I cant stay right now, but wanted you to know Id heard you.

Btw ... Im glad Monday was not your final day. And I (perhaps selfishly) most definitely do not want you gone. I personally like having you around. 😊💝

Hang in there sweetheart.

Emelia 🌷

[Eve7]

I am glad you’re still here @Bow  and I’m sorry you feel that way about yourself.

As an adult you can choose your counsellors and as a mother, I can understand your mother wanting to know what’s happening especially when things are so difficult BUT this is your life and your privacy and your mother just has to accept that you talk to others.

Maybe go for a walk with your mobile next time you call a help line so you are assured of privacy.

Please stay safe sweetie. Your life matters.

💛😢💛

[Jynx]

@Bow You're allowed to have boundaries, and seeking support where you find it to be most helpful is a form of self-respect. I'm sorry this is so hard, I wish I could do more - but we're here beside you

[Bow]

thanks @Emelia8 i hope you got some good news today. 

@Eve7 thank you. i wish my mum would understand. she doesnt talk to me, yet expects it from me. 

@Jynx boundaries is something i struggle with with my mum. thanks

[Bow]

writing sooths my soul....

I’ve got this monster inside me, some call it the black dog, others call it depression. I call mine the monster within. His been here before, it nearly took my life time and again. It stole so many years from me, both literally and from my memory, but I kicked h*m out ages ago.  

But now he is back with a vengeance, sucking the life from every ounce of my being. He rears his ugly head as soon as I wake. He follows me about, he is my constant companion as I go about my day. He leaves his mess and destruction on the inside out of sight, evenings are the worst, in the stillness and quiet. 

Black is its colour, he casts a dark shadow wherever it goes, gloomy and downcast, death and destruction are his calling. Footprints of hopelessness are left in its trail. His breath is vulgar, knocking me off my feet. His eyes are piercing, Snarling and hissing and screams in my ears.  

Not everyone understands the unwelcome visitor who has taken up residency in the core of my being. There is this shame, this stigma, that its all in my head. But there is no escape from him, there is no taming this beast.  The monster within.  

[Eve7]

You write so well @Bow  I can relate to what you have written but could not express it so well.

💜💜

[Bow]

I have my first appointment with the psychologist this afternoon. My anxiety has been horrible the last couple of days and I don’t feel good this morning. I have so many concerns going into my appointment and questioning whether it’s the right thing. I’m terrified to open up wounds, to talk about what has transpired over the last 6 yrs that has got me to where I am today. I’m not sure how I’m going to be able to talk about some of the issues and I am so scared of opening up things and then leaving the appointment with a gaping hole for me to then manage on my own. I really struggle with not feeling safe the majority of the time at the moment and fearful that I will not have control of that and will do something that I shouldn’t. 

My appointment is not until 4pm, which means I’ll have to leave and head straight home to do dinner and get my daughter into bed- all of which are a stressful process at the best of time. 

😩

[Emelia8]

Its an understandable concern @Bow 😔💝

Its a good test I think, of your new psych. They should not let you out their door until they are confident that your nervous system has become down regulated enough to ensure you are safe. Please be honest with them about that.

Its also likely this first session will be more of a general getting to know you session. And may not delve too deeply into the really difficult stuff.

I hope it goes well. 🌹

Emelia

[Bow]

more writing today..... i hope its ok to share here, maybe triggering? SI i'll take it down if needed.

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sorry felt really exposed.  im sorry