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workthisout
Casual Contributor

Husband of bi-polar wife

I am new to this and need to express what I live through as a husband of a bi-polar sufferer.  I also suspect that Border-line personailty disorder is also at play here.

I believe that not being in regular care for BP is selfish to the rest of the family who have to deal with the bad moods, blame and intimidation.

There is no discussion about the illness and how it impacts the family and I find this extremely frustrating.

The family knows the moods and the tip toeing around and is fearful of stepping out of line for fear of the poor behaviour.

She has told me numerous times that I should leave or “hook up” with someone else and it takes all my might to try and ignore this but it hurts immensely.

I have worked hard to have what we have and I will not be throwing that all away and ending up with nothing because she will not acknowledge her illness or seek help.

I am shot down in flames consistently when having an opinion about any issues with the children.  I am told I am the problem and I am a hopeless parent so should just live in my own world.  In contrast, I find her approach to discipline on most occasions to be authoritarian and dismissive and its gets to the point where the kids end up in tears and stressed.  This aggressive behaviour can last days and weeks with no remorse whatsoever.  I have a very good relationship with my children.  One child is effected more than the other and has recentley expressed that he feels like not being around anymore.  I am very concerned about this and will be seeking help for him.

I have seen her medicated for very brief periods and she is a fantastic person.  It’s like she hates something controlling her so she stops and the merry-go-round of aggression and abuse continues.

Out of nowhere she will start telling me that I have been behaving poorly and it is like she is describing herself.  Like it is reflected on me and she believes I am the one behaving poorly when it is her.  This is very confusing and I have started asking her not to reflect her behaviour on me however this is not always taken well.

Comes up with ideas to go on expensive OS holidays each year and when I ask how are we going to afford it and has she got a budget worked out, I am berated as though I am an idiot for asking a simple logical question.  Similar with questions about her desire to do grand house renovations, I am treated like the enemy as I need to see costings in order to approach the bank for a loan.

While she constantly says that I should leave and I am an issue to her even though she has never explained why, her relationships with other family and friends are just as volatile and some of the relationships are failures over ridiculous issues mostly where she has not got her own way.  This hurts me the most that I am made out to be the only relationship issue when I see all around us others being treated the same albeit far less aggressively.  I have lost friends and family as a result of her behaviour. It is just easier to lose contact with people rather than put up with hearing her criticism of my friends and family.

There have been times when I have not given up the battle and given her what she wants or accept that I am in the wrong.  On one particular occasion this year when I explained to her that she is degrading towards me and makes me feel worthless, she became anxious that I would actually leave.  She became very remorseful and proclaimed her ultimate love for me and that she could never live without me.  I think she felt for that first time that I had been pushed to the end and that she might actually lose me.

There has been no intimate relationship for at least 5 years and prior to that is was very rare after child three 11 years ago.  I have tried to be affectionate with her and I get brushed off like she does not want any attention.  She says she does not want anyone touching her, just leave her alone and this applies to other family members as well.  I tell her I love her and regularly compliment her however it is never reciprocated.  She does not touch me in any way and it is like I have rabies.  She says she needs to see a doctor to get her sex-drive back.

I have read a book titled “Walking on Egg-shells” and I sobbed as it was as though it was written about her and I.  I got on to the book as I remember my mother-in-law many years prior saying she was told by her bi-polar husbands (my wife’s father) psychiatrist to read the book.

I had to take control of the finances several years ago as bills would be unpaid and accounts overdrawn.  She will find ways to manipulate me for money and I never say no even when I know it will leave us tight or short.  Then when we are tight or short, I cop abuse about being a poor manager of money and it’s all my problem to sort out.  Over the years she has taken out personal loans for cars and store credit for other household items.  These finances ultimately became unmanageable leaving me to sort them out.

I am exhausted by the constant merry-go-round and walking on egg-shells almost daily.  I sought out counselling which I did for a long period of time where I learnt to be more assertive with her for my own sake and the children however at times I can only take so much.  Being assertive when she displays poor behaviour is a three way proposition.  Either it works, it doesn’t and world war three breaks out, or the response is stored for an attack later out of nowhere.  We have both been to marriage counselling on a number of occasions and our last experience was a failure in my opinion as the counsellor told me that my wife does not have bi-polar and neither does anyone in this world, it is more about coping with the stresses of life.

This relationship is 20yrs old now and I have pushed along for the sake of the children and I have often talked myself into believing that the relationship and her behaviour is just normal however I see in other peoples relationships that I could be living in a fantasy and then I think why am I doing this.  I know that our friends see her behaviour towards me as being unacceptable however I don’t discuss our relationship with them and continue to live like its “all happy families” when often I just want to shout out and have someone listen to me.

I need to find the strength to continue on at least until the three children are on their own in 8-10yrs.  If counselling were to be an option I feel that it needs to be with a mental health professional who specialises in bi-polar and the families of those affected.

not sure of where to next.

25 REPLIES 25
Former-Member
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Re: Husband of bi-polar wife

Hi @workthisout,

Thankyou so much for sharing your story with us. It seems to be a long journey you're your family have been on. I am sorry that counselling has not worked out for you in the past and you mentioned that you may think about it again for the future.

I want to mention to you that it is important that you look out for yourself, or you will find yourself overwhelmed and not be able to care for yourself, your kids and your wife. 

I am sure there will be plenty of people on the forums who can offer you some advice on where to go to get help, so please read through the forums and have a look.

If you feel like you need to chat with someone please give LIfeline a call on 13 11 14, they have counsellor available 24 hours a day.

Again, thanks for sharing your story. 

Outlanderali 

Re: Husband of bi-polar wife

Hi @workthisout

 

I would like to second Outlanderali's welcome.

 

It sounds like you've been through the wringer. I think it's great that you have been proactive in seeking support and coming on here is just part of that.

 

As Outlanderali mentioned, there are members who are or have been in similar situations to your current one. @tfishface talks about caring for her spouse who has bipolar here - perhaps you could take a read - there were some great tips in there from other members, including @pjc11

Your story also reminds me a bit of a post by @Ant1 whose partner also has bipolar. Ant1's partner also seemed to be in denial about having bipolar. You can find that discussion here @Ant1 - would you have any advice for @workthisout ?

Again, welcome to the Forums. I'm really glad you found us.

Nik

Re: Husband of bi-polar wife

Thank you Nik, for once I don't feel like what I experience is fantasy, I look forward to seeing the other blogs.

Re: Husband of bi-polar wife

Hi there,

I want to say to you that it takes courage to share what you are going through with people who DO understand what it is like to live a life with someone with BPD. My daughter has BPD aswell as avoident personality disorder, depression, social anxiety for which she is on medications which in some ways do not help her 

 I know the turmoil of daily life living with a person with BPD and how it takes it's toll on everybody in the family. I feel for both you and your children and it is not fair that they have to live with this turmoil everyday in their young lives. It changes who they are as people.They do need theraphy so do make sure that can happen.You come accross to me in having a good insight into your children so that it a real positive. 

You may come to a decision where you dont want yourself or them to suffer anymore and decide to leave, it goes without saying , She dosent drive or go out of the house much atall. If my daughter didnt listen to me years ago ( she was 14 when it all came out about what had happenend to her ) to reach out for help and chose to stay as she was I dont think my son and I would have stayed to live with her as she was. I would have encouraged her to move out by herself. A process we are working on now, which isnt easy. It has been a very trying and heart breaking journey. My son and I have a lived with the same behaviors that you talked about for many years. My daughter is 32 now and has worked hard to help herself with CBT therapy , psychologist and programs as well as partime residential stay two years ago from Spectrum. They take people up to the age of 64 I think it is. A referal is required so your wife would need to be receiving support from a government mental helath service provider. 

Since she has been discharged from any mental health service nearly two years ago she has not made any moves to reach out for further support like a case manger to help her move out independantly, which I am not sure if it will either make her or break her. It is a huge step which will take careful planning. 

The really hard thing for you as I see it is that your wife will not reach our for help to enable her to deal with her Mental illness. Has she had support in the past?. Have you heard about Spectrum?. They deal with BPD only and have various treatments  for people who have BPD. They do have a website.

There is also a place called The Bouverie Centre in Brunswick that do family therapy, check out their website aswell. Anyway this is a little look into how it has been for my family. I wish you and your family all the best. Remember to take time for yourself to do what you enjoy so you can have a break from your home life. Spectrum also have a support group for famlies of a person with BPD. 

 

It is an illness that people do recover from, they're not cured but they do learn how to cope with  their lives in a more managable way. Have you heard about CBT Congnative behavioral therapy?. Has your wife had any of that?. My thoughts are with you and your family. Pjc11. 

Re: Husband of bi-polar wife

Hi workthisout

Your story reminds me of my own. I have knowen my wife for over 31 years and like your wife mine takes little or no medication. She thinks that she has nothing wrong with her will only see a GP to "manage" her health. Our son,his girlfriend and our daughter and husband ,now grown up are staying with us  for a while at the moment,so it is a full house. Sadly she has upset them all to a degree at different times.

I to, now look after financial matters at home, My wife states that she does not care about money.

Sometimes she states that she wants to go out with me to see a movie or eat out and if i say that we can't afford it she will launch into a long "rant" about how I am trying to control her and she would be better off living alone so she can "go out when she wants". I know how you  feel about the rejection, You try hard to make the relationship work,make things at home smooth and anything you say that they feel is wrong or againt them will make your partner just tell you to just leave - As if you mean nothing to them.

Yet at other times they can show great affection torwards you and express their love for you.

It is an emotional tug-of-war that drains you to the point of exaustion.

A few years ago my wife took the "correct" medication for a while and it was like a different person. Sadly after reading about the medication on  the internet she stopped taking it and things reverted to how they are now.

 The importance of making time for youself is important and try to have time out.

I fail to do this myself,most of the time I just dont feel like i have the energy to go out or do something for me. I can "zone out" at home sometimes and this helps me cope.

Most days when I am home my  wife "talks" from dawn to dusk about the past and how no one, especially me understands that she has nothing wrong with her. I normally can not say anything to her as she will get angry or not even acknowledge me.I have learnt to sometimes walk out of the room if she is talking as she will  just keep talking to me even though I am not there. It sounds rude and uncaring but she does not even notice that I have left. She follows me everywhere talking about medication,doctors,and how she is normal and every one else has the problem.

I have been to counselling and this has helped me cope.

Many times she will be in tears and i try to comfort her but she will not let me touch her or believe me when i tell her that i care and love her.

I try to reassure her but often she does not believe me.

Yet after all these years I still doubt myself and question if she really is ok (normal????)

Ultimately I respect my wifes decision to not take medication as it is her decision to make,she refuses to see a psychiatrist or psychologist and I can not change her decision. 

I find now that we have both become socially islolated as well,my wifes friends drifted away years ago when she stopped phoning them and seeing them. I to now have very little contact with people outside of work.

I will always be there for my wife as I love her ,the occasional good times make up for the badtimes.

I used to be optimistic that one day she will see a  Dr that she trusts and work through her fears about medication etc.As time goes I think it is less likely.

I have thought many times where to next but I just have to take things day by day.

I will always be there for the kids and try to help them understand their Mum as they fell hurt at times as well. Walking on eggshells is an apt desciption and I really understand how you feel.

You are not alone on you journey, I eventually talked to my workmates about what was happening at home and found them supportive. Some will talk to me about it others won't but overall telling those around you, if you are having a difficult time at home removes some of the burden of botteling it all up

 

 
 

Re: Husband of bi-polar wife

Hi @Ant1

 

I just wanted to quickly flag that the formatting of your post has gone a bit heywire because you copied and pasted @workthisout 's profile link and pasted it into your response. You get fix this by hitting the 'edit' link in your post (near the picture of the star)

To 'mention' someone and make their name blue (which in turn sends a notification to them) you press the @ symbol and a little drop down menu appears and you can either pick from that list or start typing the first 3 letters of the name of the member you wish to address.

 

The similarities in both of your stories is remarkable. I'm really glad you both found the Forums.

 

 

Re: Husband of bi-polar wife

@Ant1 I am overwhelmed by the similarites in our stories. I would never have imagined in a milliion years until I found this forum that my story would be understood.  It is otherwise so lonley thinking this cant be real and no-one would ever understand or relate. Your points about relationships with others and your attempts at time out for yourself ring so true.  You need to know you are amazing and are part of the "Patience is a Virtue" club!

Re: Husband of bi-polar wife

Hi and thanks workthisout

Likewise when I read your post I could not believe how similar our stories are

It was comforting to know that there is someone else out there with the same day to day challenges as myself. It is so difficult at times when you are in a long term relationship with someone and occasionaly you see glimpses of the person "underneath" the illness/conditition. It makes all the difficult days have some sort of meaning when they smile or say they love you. My daughter eventualy saw a councillor herself and most days can be patient with her Mum. My son has difficulty understanding,however he is rarely home these days.

If you can encourage your kids to see a councilor by themselves it may be a big help. My daughter is now someone I can talk to when I am having a tough day.

My daughter went to her grandparents 10 years ago and they arranged for her to see a councilor as she Knew her Mum was "different" to other Mums. I signed the authorization without my wifes knowlege,as i knew my wife would not approve (She did find out and was furious at the time)

I at times question my relationship but a few years ago I had to take my wife to the  hospital emergency department with stomach pains. I soon found out how much I truly loved my wife when she was ill. I was so worried about her. (thankfuly it was only a minor thing and she soon got well)

Goodluck with everything

 

 

 

 

Re: Husband of bi-polar wife

Hi @workthisout.

My nephew, who has lived with me since he was 14, he's now 26, suffers from BiPolar disorder. My experience with him is that both the depressive and manic stages of the disorder are completely self absorbing. With the depression the feeling is that he is worthless and the world would probably be better off without him and he retreats into himself. It is not that he deliberately shuts others out, rather that he tells himself he's not worthy of interacting with other people.(Know this especially from my own experience with depression!) When he is elevated he has no sense of self awareness or societal norms and feels invincible, how to pay for something is a minor problem that will work itself out, he's more concerned with the Gestalt view, how it will all come together. You mention that your wife degrades you. Would I be correct in thinking this is when she is up? Another thing I have noticed when my nephew is manic that he is very intollerant and impatient. He becomes Grandiose and it's almost as if he doesn't have time to deal with us mere mortals.

Don't know if any of this is of any help, but thought I'd attempt to provide an insight to some of the things that go on in their heads when they are both up and down.

Give yourself a big cheer and tell yourself you are a special person because what you are doing in dealing with an unmedicated partner.....and raising three children, is a 'superhuman' effort.