Husband of bi-polar wife

[Lucky2015]

Hi @workthisout,

I can relate to your situation. Myself, with my partner for 25 years, and have 2 young kids. However there isn't the level of animosity in my wifes manic states. I suspect your wife might be Type 1 not Type 2 like mine. Type 2 seems to be a gentler wave of mania. With my wife it shows in controlled, focused almost obsessive behaviour. It makes her look like a superwoman to everyone because they looking on in awe. But they never see or deal with what lies on the other side of it.


The key for me was at the point my business collapsed, and my wife in one day went from we are working through all this together to "our relationship is on the rocks". She wanted to see a marriage counseller. I told her I would go but only if it was a registered psychologist (not a therapist only) because I needed someone to have an insight into her repeat bouts of depression.

Really it was getting her to see a psychologist by stealth. The psychologist admittedly was pretty poor I thought, but it did help facilitate communication. Until finally during one session I lost it and told my wife "I am not responsible for your mental health. I'm over it. You need to get yourself some consistent help".

She went and got help from a psychiatrist, and was after 6 months diagnosed with Type 2 Bi-Polar.

It was drawing that line in the sand for myself (admittedly driven out of anger and frustration), that got a result for me. I'm not sure whether that is helpfull to you or not.

The big thing I have realised is that I come first. I have to push others needs aside to ensure that I am in a strong state. That might be finding time for excercising or meditating, or meeting with mates.

I gave up trying to hide it from close friends and told them what was going on. This freed me from the burden of trying to make it all look good when the truth was it wasn't. When they found out that my wife was bi-polar their conversations shifted. All of a sudden I felt more support (I think most people freak when they hear it, unlike depression they don't explain it away as something that you can just get over).

Getting on the forum and finding out what others are going through I felt gave me greater perspective as well.

Stick with it. I feel your one priority is to get your wife the care she needs. I feel that most of the other stuff will sort itself out from there.

I wish you all strength. I know it is tough but like you I just refused to give up on what we had.

There is something on the other side.

Regards

[Annie2]

Thank you for sharing your story.    It is difficult being a carer to someone who has bi-polar and will not take medication.  I understand where you are coming from as my partner of 15 years was the same.  He didn't believe in medication so his moods were up and down.   I had also Had similar experiences with my partner accusing me of saying or behaving in a certain way, but realised they were actually reflecting how they felt or what they had done to me.  He would often say I had catastrophed a situation when in fact I didn't even know about the situation.   

Unfortunately my partners son moved in with us, and started displaying bi polar behaviours, and then had a number of delusions that placed my grand daughter, who lives with me in danger.  As my partner didn't believe in medication and I could see there would not be any improved in the behaviour, and my family were in danger I had to ask them to leave.  

We have just started seeing each other again, but now he is very badly depressed.  Although I have experienced his depressions before, I am finding it hard to help and support him as we live in different houses. 

However, I am a lot happier having some distance between all of us, and thus for the first time in My Life I am able to think of me as a person. 

not taking medication meant that my partner has mood swings, and I found this hard to deal,with.

k

[AlienBP2]

I'm BP2<br>I went into " denial for 3 months when I was diagnosed .<br>I'm wondering if she would be prepared to take a half dose of what is recommended ( it will make some difference and will give her a chance to stabilise to some extent before increasing the dose..,,That's what I did it made the adjustment easier.,,,<br>I could say a lot more as have discussed in my other posts ( to others)..,<br>You can feel free to talk more by this forum if you wish to discuss further ...,<br>The hardest part is to get them to accept the diagnosis perhaps ....Whrn this done... Your <br>" half way there"....Allan

[Annie2]

Thank you @AlienBP2, really appreciate your advice and that you have taken time to reply. I will suggest to my partner that he take half strength medication, that's a great idea. It's great that you gave taken responsibility for your illness, and are taking steps to limit the effects.

[sanfran]

Hi @AlienBP2 and @Annie2

Interesting discussion re: trying to get the right dosage of meds- it is an very individual thing, and can be complicated. However it can be medically dangerous to try adjusting dosages on your own- there can be other physical and mental factors to consider.

So I would strongly encourage consulting with prescribing doctors/psychs and having a really frank discussion about side effects, the length of time it can take to get some stability on meds etc. 

And yes, @Annie2, it is great that @AlienBP2 has taken responsibility for his illness, and yes the side effects of meds can be hard to deal with- and adjusting dosages can be useful- but please do this with medical supervision 🙂

[Confusedhusband]

@workthisout and @Ant1 I realise this thread is a few years old now but I was wondering how things have worked out for both of you?

I am currently at a crossroads where I need to make a decision about wether to fight for our marriage or not. We have only been married for 15 months and our discussions are now around having children. She wants a child but shows many of the behaviours you have both talked about.

I feel like your stories are my future and it really scares me. I feel as though I can't live with her but also can't live without her.

I am isolated from my family and friends and have been for some time, she is currently in Spain walking the Camino trail (spending a large chunk of our savings), as she needed space. Whilst she has been away I have reconnected with some friends and am trying to reconnect with my family even though I know this may upset her.

I love my wife more than I have loved anyone and am fighting to keep her even though she wants to end it. She is pushing me away because she wants me to be happy with someone else, but I want to stay with her and support her.

I need some hope.

[Molly73]

WOW. Workthisout. I too have been with my partner for 20 years and I feel like I have just read my own story. It blows me away that their behaviour is so similar. I chose not to have children as I knew that level of behaviour from a parent would be traumatic. As well as all the awful behaviour you listed, my other half has substance abuse issues, is promiscuous, hides things and is a compulsive lier, something to look out for. It took a long time and years of emotional abuse before I truly believed their was nothing wrong with me and it was his illness talking, being so cruel. It's like they reflect themselves onto us and because they have told us to leave and we havent, we are seen as soft targets. I can tell by my partners footsteps what sort of mood he is in before I even see him and straight away I feel sick in the stomach. If you are like me you go into fight or flight mode whenever they are around. The chronic stress of constantly walking on egg shells and wondering if I am going to lose everything because of his recklessness has taken a toll on my health. All I can really say is you are not alone. I have a safe place, my garden. If he is in a mood ( which seems to be constantly), I go into my garden and shed some tears just so I'm not holding it in. Try and find a safe place where you and the children can escape the dark cloud. Maybe focus on spending time with the children without her. I struggle to cope and understand the moods and lack of logic at times, I can't imagine what it must be like for children. Stay strong and look after yourself.

[Lostatsea]

Hi@Confusedhusband. Has your wife been diagnosed with a MI. I can see you are struggling. The fact that you have lost contact with your friends and family is sad. Does she dictate who you see. My husband's illness means I'm always tiptoeing around him. Saddest thing of all is my daughter cries and wishes for her old dad back. Having children suffer because their parent has a MI is just so cruel. I have three children now as my husband cannot manage the simplest of tasks. Perhaps this time away from you wife is best for you to think what you enjoy or like in your life. Don't lose the real YOU. I've lost ME and now I'm digging trying to find who I am again.

[dideoh]

Thank you for sharing your story. As I read it, I am reminded of my son in law. My daughter who is 38 with 2 children suffers from depression. My son in law said he thought she was bipolar. I did not believe him- for a long time. I thought her bipolar was more to do with the fact that she tried to do too much for her family, spouse and community. He was often sick or unable to help much with family life tho he would be able to help anyone else or engage in his own interests.

She asked him to leave 15 months ago now. He has done his best to support her and the children. Recently she attempted suicide and tho unsuccessful has vowed that she will research it better and next time will be successful. I live ever day worrying about her, the children and my son in law.

I have come to believe that she is bipolar. What you experience is quite similar to what he is going through. I am grateful to him that he does the best he can to look after the children who are still in her custody. I worry about the children especially the 14 year old as she can be very hard on them; She is very hard on me and her ex no matter what we do to try to help. Instead of seeing what we do for her, she sees what we have not done right.

You are doing an amazing job in some really difficult circumstances.

[Shaz51]

Hello @dideoh, how are you today , have been thinking of you , hope you are ok

Hello @workthisout, @Lostatsea, @Molly73, @Confusedhusband