Lived Experience Forum

[Stout]

Ever since I was a bub I’ve been having nightmares. As I grew older the content worsened. All of them contained some sort of attack on me; you think of it its happened. So after such an event I awaken in a blerky hazy state that can last for hours. This is why I struggled to keep a job. When I was younger I was sick as a dog some mornings, and before 8am could not stand waking and getting out of bed. But we have too. To this day and even without nightmares I wake in the form of delirium, much like having a sip of wine upon awakening. Although I was sometimes keen to face the day and get things done, I am held back by the dysfunction caused by dream and nightmare hangovers. This is daily, unless I am really happy, or am deeply focused in some project or distraction. My sober self is affected by the co-habitive hangovers. My entire life has been like this. The effects can be different each day; I might be niggly, frustrated, fearful and so-on. Although I am very clever, this intellectual impediment keeps me from progressing and being stable in life. The soft self is roughed up by what I call pollution.

TW: But here’s the thing, and these are all new scientific findings for myself this year.

Content/trigger warning

My mind packages things and people in the day and sends them into my sleeping unconscious in the form of dreams or nightmares. Any object or person can trigger a nightmare or dream. This all then forms a feedback loop for me to endure -like this: the day exists, the triggered package as a nightmare or dream happens. This all becomes a feedback loop. To the point where one would think I am capable of manufacturing the day in my sleep, or indeed altering the outcomes of the universe.

As it turns out I have been running my whole life from my very own life, running from the triggers, trying to hide, not be affected. Not affect anyone. All news to me. Isolating, alienating. I don’t get ‘triggered’ in the day or ‘just snap’. The day is thus a separate universe, a separate existence. An alternative grueling reality.

Scientifically I have identified ‘pollution’ as the problem of the day. Pollution comes as an attendee of the initial micro-second thought initiation as the mind arouses from unconscious sleep state. The pollution is in the form of negatives attached to normal processes and thought. There are two competing processes taking place. The misfiring synapses produce at the same time positives and negatives, like depression, fear, confusion. But all mild and subtle. This is the drunken style of my conscious state that I have to live with until it clears throughout the day. Only to repeat the next day. Didn’t know until this year I have been running from triggers, from which there is no escape. Go Figure. And then there is the PTSD to deal with as well.

It is all very very subtle, and mild. But enough to ruin my life on its own. Without the interference of anything or anyone else.

But the psychotic psychiatrists would say: Yes, but read the Label

[tyme]

Hey @Stout ,

I can see you have spent a lot of time thinking about your life and how the environment has affected your MH and wellbeing.

It sounds incredibly tough to sit with all these thoughts on your own. 

Do you have people you can talk to who can potentially work though some of this pain with you?

You deserve to be heard.

[Stout]

Hi @tyme 

It was tougher when I was younger, believe me. Im focusing on the last ten years. But over time one is numbed. I don't like being numbed. Especially when the 'experts' know what they are doing. Having the background that I do makes me incredibly vulnerable in their presence, and they genuinely scare the daylights out of me. I am deeply effected by a negative environment, and get terrified. This fires me up, and I get all powerful and fast thinking. My wellbeing gets disturbed easily. This is why they seek to depot me. They're nuts. I know now, that my MH gets threatened by people very easily. And some tend to pounce. Then I might get a feedback loop, or otherwise get sensitive and hypervigilant in mind. When I was younger my mind would race and get all urgent. These days I have learnt to be as calm as I can, lest the beast gets razzled.

I hope people can understand why I cant stand the Ward system. If they were really concerned about me, why do they do what they do to me?

But I know now I have figured it all out. They don't care about me. Its the other 'normals' they supposedly worry about.

I have a good councilor, but I haven't got to the stage of asking any questions, they have been busy massaging me back to reasonable MH.

Perhaps there is another blog site where I can jump in boots and all to tackle my problems.

[Stout]

The other thing too is

I don't want to now make my life all about doctors; a medical lifestyle if you will. I know this is what the Medical Industrial Complex wants of me. I recently got some medication which got me through the worst of it.

For an otherwise normally functioning person, it all seems at odds. Not only that, there is not a lot in this district to go to, and that isn't good for anyone. Loneliness is a big problem. They cant medicate the world into wellbeing.

So if anyone knows of a good effective web for blogging on MH, please let me know. Or should I stay here?

[tyme]

Hey @Stout ,

I guess it's about finding what works for you.

We'd love to have you here, but as with other MH sites, there are community guidelines to consider. You can read about them here: https://saneforums.org/t5/help/faqpage/title/community-guidelines

No pressure. As I said, it's important you find what works for you.

[Stout]

Thanks @tyme

Didn't mean to be so descriptive. Glad it's moderated.

I wonder if this feedback loop is known thing, and can anyone comment if they know something about it. Please

[tyme]

I can't say I know too much about it @Stout .

Maybe I'm not understanding it well enough? Do you have any info I can read and maybe after reading it, I'll have more of an understanding?

I understand synapses, but I'm not sure I understand what you are saying.

[8ppleTree]

Hi @Stout 

How are you? 🙂

I'm not a scientist or a specialist, so my ideas are only my personal experience. I happen to have vivid dreams from time to time, dream every night, sometimes nightmares (PTSD-style), sleep paralysis when younger, lucid dreamed a handful of times, and also experience that drunk feeling from the mornings. It's not easy. I often find the night to be real as the day . 

A couple things that helped me was seeing a sleep specialist. Very informative and the changes have made a difference. Even just knowing what's causing the long REM cycles, etc. Higher pain levels. Another thing that really helped was journalling my dreams. It allowed me to create a language from the symbols, (or find my own brain's interpretation of symbols) and delineate between day and night. Yes, it made some of the details of the dreams clearer, but also reduced some of the day fog. So, a mindful practice. Really helpful with an active mind!

I don't know whether that is helpful, or anything like what you mean by a feedback loop? I do feel that it must be wearying for you at times to feel at the mercy of the day, and then the night x 

[Stout]

Sorry @tyme 

As I have only this year caught sight of it, another way to describe it is a glitch in the matrix. Just like the movie matrix. Earlier this year I was extremely affected by stress etc. In that state I was able to 'see' my mind's function upon awakening, in the very first moment. I could see and feel the onset of the pollution. This is a separate problem from the feedback loop, I think.

[tyme]

Interesting. I'm going to have a think about it @Stout .

Thanks for clarifying. It makes more sense now.