My Mosaic

[Bow]

Got me a headache today and feeling real broken. Too much thinking about stuff. 

[Jynx]

Aww @Bow that's rough - would hugs help?

 (つˆ⌣ˆ)つ

What are you up to hun?

[Bow]

Hugs appreciated @Jynx 

im just laying on the couch watching a movie. Head pounding. Groot is snoring next to me. 

D’s been a grump all day. 

how’s u?

[Jynx]

Nooo grumpy D is no fun for either of you. Is she ok @Bow or maybe having a wee post-holiday crash? 

Anything good on? Hehe I got snoring Trixie up on her lil loft. I popped a heating pad on their cat tree and boy do they LOVE it!! 

Here's some pics of sleepy Razz I took the other night hehe

I'm chugging along okay! Made ramen recently, including ramen eggs, and so just been snacking on way too many of em! 

[Bow]

She is ok @Jynx  just lots of whinging. Saying she is bored. Asking me to give her suggestions of what to do, but they aren’t good enough. Need to be exciting. Doesn’t have her iPad. Needs music to listen to but doesn’t have iPad. Blah blah. Does my head in. Frustrates me that the first day back from holiday and she carries on like this. 

watched a movie called ‘what about Sal’ was pretty good. Now watching RV. 

oh I love it when they curl up like that and sleep. Their little paws covering their face. A heating pad- that’s awesome… I’d love one!

big words inside tonight Jynx lotsa yuck disgust and hatred. I need to stop. 

[Jynx]

@Bow ahhh tech withdrawals. My sister was noticing this w my nephew, he got super into online gaming and youtubers and when it was time to do other stuff, he is often suuuuper dysregulated. 

Oh not heard of that film, I can check it out! What is RV tho... like those big carvans? 😅

It was just from Kmart! But I got it like 2 years ago so idk if theyd still have em. 

Oh hun 😞 Wanna tell the swirly thoughts to simmer down? Or maybe a distraction could help, but something more involved than TV, like some crafting or even cleaning? Ugh I know, "here maybe chores will make you feel better"... but hey, if it works!! 

[Bow]

Yeah she is most definitely a lot obsessed with tech @Jynx  sadly. I feel utterly responsible. And I’ve tried numerous times to address it, but the whinging and tantrums…. And then my lack of capacity to deal and I just give in. Even wrote up an agreement that her and I put together and she signed. But got nowhere. Sigh. I’m just useless. Terrible parent. 

Was about a Down syndrome boy who’s mum is give little time to live after a cancer diagnosis and he goes on the search to find his father. RV- yep one of them big caravan things. It’s got Robin Williams in it. 

I’ve not told any of my supports but I think a lot of my very low mood and spirallyness recently is to do with my ED. Yeah I’ve had trauma stuff going on. That’s been big. But my ED. Sigh. The absolute disgusting. The absolute hatred. I’m really struggling with my body. A lot. I don’t wanna see people because of it. I don’t wanna go out where people might see me because of it. I wear big baggy clothes to hide it and to make sure I am comfortable. I never use to do that. Personal hygiene is a huge issue cause I can’t stand to see myself. I even struggle seeing my daughter. With how much and what she eats. Terrible mother. Terrible. I bought a set of scales yesterday. I’m terrified to get one them. But I know if I do it will motivate me. I got a new treadmill cause the old one was crap. I’m repulsed with every movement, with how my body feels. 
sigh

im sorry. 

[Jynx]

@Bow oh my, hun that is so hard. 🫂

You are doing so much better than you think hun. I don't think most mums are having to juggle anywhere near the amount of stress you do. My sister has to lean on the 'virtual babysitter' a lot too, and I know it pains her but you gotta 'put on your own oxygen mask first', to quote Till23! 

I have only a smidge of the experience with body dysmorphia and dysphoria that you do, and knowing how much pain it caused me, I can only imagine how isolating and overwhelming it is. It sounds like you are doing little bits where you can though. 

You don't have to talk about it, but have you seen your dietician lately? Has she been helpful?

[Bow]

I try @Jynx  but I fall short on so many things. A failure. 

I haven’t seen my dietician since March. I cancelled April’s appointment and haven’t booked one in since. My CM spoke to me about it recently and had me send an email to get her next availabilities… but I haven’t replied to book anything in. Shes usually helpful, but I don’t think there is much she can do. Don’t think anyone can help. 
😢

[Jynx]

@Bow personally I think that it's the person who doesn't try who is the 'failure'. The fact you keep picking yourself up is nothing short of inspiring. And on the days you feel you're not 'trying' hard enough - that is when the effort is all going into survival. You're still here, so that's a success in my books. 

I totally get that it feels very hopeless, that seeing her won't change anything. You said yourself she's usually helpful, why would it be different now?