Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Whyohwhy]

Love and Stockholm Syndrome:  The Mystery of Loving an Abuser

by Joseph M. Carver, Ph.D., Clinical Psychologist

http://drjoecarver.makeswebsites.com/clients/49355/File/love_and_stockholm_syndrome.html

[Whyohwhy]

Narcissistic abuse recovery - Melanie Tonia Evans

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tg7DtfY8BCk

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pqe4SaVo7UI

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GuhfFDVDAL0

http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/

[Linmerc]

Hi Whyohwhy

Thanks for the additional links. I will certainly watch them when I can.

Yeh I get told the same sort of stuff as you, Im the only sane, stable person in his life blah, blah. Do I believe it, I'd like to, but I'm very cautious and weary. I've been seriously hurt and I trusted too much only to be stabbed in the back.

I'm interested to hear what the psychiatrist and psychologist said.

Again, thanks for the links.

Stay strong
Linmerc

[Former-Member]

Hi @Whyohwhy

It sounds like those links have been really helpful for you in terms of understanding your partner, and the relationship you are currently in. Isn’t it such a wonderful feeling when we find something that works well for us? It feels only natural that we would want to share our preferred resources with others!

It is great that you have found these resources to be so helpful and relevant. But I just wanted to make mention that what works for one person may not necessarily always work for the next person. BPD is a complex mental illness and therefore, no two experiences will ever be quite the same. The SANE Forums aim to encourage peer-led discussion. Members are encouraged to ‘talk’ amongst themselves, share their thoughts and opinions, and engage in constructive conversation. Whether another members’ appraisal of different resources are positive or negative, the Forums aim to encourage a constructive dialogue to take place.

It sounds like you have noticed narcissistic traits in your partner who also has a diagnosis of BPD. I just wanted to emphasise that not all people who have a diagnosis of BPD are necessarily narcissistic and/or would also qualify for a diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder. I just wanted to make this distinction clear, so that other members who do not know much about BPD do not jump to negative conclusions about BPD, or become confused about this particular disorder.

SANE Australia has a great factsheet about BPD which you and/or other members might be interested to read. To view, click here: https://www.sane.org/information/factsheets-podcasts/160-borderline-personality-disorder

I also came across this resource about NPD, which has a lot of useful information about the symptoms, diagnosis, causes and treatment. To view, click here: http://www.mindhealthconnect.org.au/narcissistic-personality-disorder-npd

@Whyohwhy you mentioned in an earlier post that you and your partner were both going to the psychiatrist and psychologist together, and you’d had a long talk a few nights back. That’s a big step! I was wondering how you feel the relationship is going since then? Have you found this to be a constructive step forward? Wishing you all the best as you endeavor to work through these unique issues in your relationship.

- Mosaic

[Appleblossom]

@Whyohwhy

Thanks for your links. 

Over the last year as I have had more time to surf the net at leisure, I have been drawn to and watched similar videos and found them helpful, but also sometimes patronising and annoying, yet still worth considering.  I also researched Stockholm Syndrome a lot. I now, believe my exhusband had more NPD in his psyche than schizophrenia, but that is just my opinion.His manipulation of me and DHS workers to gain control of others is not so typical with most schizophrenics. He denies having schizophrenia, now saying he just smoked too much dope (20 years). He was diagnosed on both sides of the Pacific and medicated for nearly a decade so I am keeping the diagnosis in mind so that I do not continue to be his patsy. Now that the long term consequences of my relationship with him have played out, I feel a fool.  Still its better to have loved than to never have loved at all .. and I try to drag my weary bones along with some dignity.

A family counsellor we attended as a whole family said that schizophrenia had a component of narcissism.  That comment laid a seed that helped me get out, a physical and mental wreck. Along with a nurse from a CAT team called out for me, saying that if "we dont like them we usually leave them" It was her simple direct approach that helped me. The issues my family faced and my husband faced were so very different, that a single word like schizophrenia, complicated a word as it is, does not sum up adequately.

@Former-Member

Thanks for your clear guidelines and distinctions re NPD.  Yes each human is a unique individual and not all diagnoses are equal. 

We all also need to be able to self nurture .. ah back to boundaries and the game of life.

[Whyohwhy]

I'm not sure how long ago it was since I did my first post.  A number of things have fallen into place since then.  I called a time out on sleeping over at his place and pretty much spending any time with him except for medical appointments.  Then last visit to the psychologist I was told she had seen a marked improvement in BPD partner since the start of the year - and a marked decline in me. 

I am happy to say I have taken back control of my life - BPD X partner (something he is still in denial over) is being allowed to stay in my life under MY TERMS.  I am opening myself up for all the new possibilities that life has to offer.

He is shocked because he thought he was the center of my universe - and he was – but he is no more – I am now the centre of my own universe. It has taken a great deal of work for me to get myself to this point.

I am cleaning house - this year is going to be the biggest in my life. I am taking better care of my physical health - I am cleaning, decluttering, simplifying and working on my mental health. 

While it may seem like this all happened quickly it has taken me almost 2 decades to get to this point.  I see it all now - the veil has been lifted on on his narcissistic manipulations.

[Whyohwhy]

I forgot to say earlier if a somatic narcissist has you in his spell - get plenty of exercise - listen to mucic and dance - get your hit of feel good brain chemicals from other sources......

[Former-Member]

Hi @Whyohwhy, thanks so much for updating us.  It sounds like you're making some really great changes.  I know what you mean about it seeming like it's happening quickly but it actually being a looong time in the making.  I always think that this is a sign of a good and lasting change.  You seize the moment but also draw on all the motiviation stemming from the long struggle with the problem.  Or relationship in your case. 

I love the sound of your year ahead and wish you all the very best with your plans. 

Keep us updated 🙂

[Linmerc]

Hi Whyohwhy

Glad to hear you have taken back control of your life - it's your life to control.

Your partner may be shocked that he is no longer the centre of your universe but he will have to deal with it. You stay strong if you believe that what you are doing is correct and the right thing to do.

I think it's well and truly time for the spring clean of your house and I wish you well.

Stay strong.