14th year house bound

[hiddenite]

Oh Jacques I truly understand what it's like not being able to help a stranger when I'm out. I feel so much shame.

No I'm not allowed outside I'm a safety risk. There is a small courtyard but that's where all the smokers go and that's a trigger. Especially all the men are there so I stay away.

I'm so sorry you are struggling. I wish I could be with you holding your hand so you are not alone,and that I will look after you. And be there watching over you.

Big hugs Jacques

[Jacques]

yes it is just a way of life for us hey?  maybe one day we will be able to help others, i would love to be able to be their and help you Karen, i would fight the anxiety just to help you.

Oh that is so sad Karen, i wish they would see how a little bit of fresh air would do you good.  i do understand the trigger of smokers though, my father was a chain smoker, everytime i smeel cigarrette smoke i think of him, but in a good and sad way, it is such a distinctive smell, i do hope one day you will be able to smell different things without the triggers.

I understand Karen, men must be so hard to be around, have any of them upset you or bothered you?

Oh Karen, you are my guardian angel, whenever i close my eyes and try to imagine you, i always see you with wings, you are so beautiful with them

[hiddenite]

There is one man here that is covered in tattoos her is very angry and yells at other patients, so l stay well away from him. There are 2 other men that wear the same deodorant as my husband they are a big trigger.

I see us at the zoo together watching the animals, quietly talking, no anxiety or fear just two best friends 

Enjoying some time together.

I will sit with you tonight Jacques holding your hand while you sleep. I will protect you and keep you safe, and I will never let go. You need the rest so think of me before you go to sleep, imaging my small hand holding you big hand. I am with you so you can sleep without anxiety or fear.

Goodnight my friend

[Jacques]

Well i am so glad you stay away form them KAren, you are doing the right thing, make sure you keep safe, i would be devistated if they harmed you in any way.

Oh Karen that is so beautiful, it would be so nice to talk to a friend in real life and not feel fear, that is a nice dream to have, we will share that dream i think.  you are such an amazing woman Karen, their is so much kindness in you, you are so brave Karen, you are my inspiration.

Thank you my angel, i do hope, you manage some sleep too, i will be holding your hand too Karen, i hope you do not have any IBS tonight, i have had it all day, it is so unpleasent. 

Karen only sweet dreams for you tonight, my guardian angel, big hugs, counting down the hours till we talk again.  Remember you are not alone, you are doing so well.

Goodnight my friend

Jacques

[jamesle2015]

Sometimes I wish they would all go away - the customers - a lot of them
don't have any common sense so nothing surprises me anymore.
Anyone can ask any stupid questions and I will answer.

[Jacques]

Yes @jamesle2015, i do understand, i have never had a job, bust having to listen to customers, i am horrified sometimes at how demanding they are, i often think if you lived in Africa you would have no food at all, and here they are winging about a scratch on something or the yare paying to much.  it still dumbfounds me how we are constantly being called the "Intelligent" species, i see how the animals live, no war, no distruction, no winging, they eat, sleep and rest, they are the "Intellegent" ones.

I have over the past 14 years lost complete faith in human civilisation, i don't like what humans have become, i don't like how humans act and i don't like how humans don't care.

I do hope you manage to have a quiet day at work without too many stupid people, my heart goes out to you, sometimes i am so thankful for agoraphobia.

[Jacques]

hi my Angel,

i know you are probably freakingout in the classes right about now, my thoughts are with you. you are strong my friend, please don't underestimate how strong and determined you are.

well i just got back from pulling apart my old hobby desk and packing away all of my model ships, etc, it was so sad to pack them away but my hands shake to much now to work on them.

i took a photo of my motobike engine and crank case to show you, they are on the bike, i am waiting 2 weeks for the paint to dry before bolting them down properly.

all cleaned and painted, new bolts and spark plug, so i am hoping after 18 years it does start!!!!!

well the farm hand drove up to the farm this morning and all the chickens know the sound of his truck now they fly out of their penn and to the gate to wait for their grain and veggie scraps, they are so funny, they where singing this morning while scratching about, i can listen and watch them for hours.

The frogs are in the drain again, sometimes they sing it is so nice to know they  are around, i so miss them in the pot plants.  the birds have been scouring the yard for worms as usual.

well my angel i hope you are feeling a little better today than yesterday, and i hope your anxiety is not too overwhelming, remember i am their holding your hand, i will never let go, you are too special to me.

Take care my friend.

hope to speak tonight/this afternoon.

Jacques

[hiddenite]

Wow Jacques that is looking awesome, better than new. You are so talented to be able to achieve so many things. Renovating, gardner, cook, hair dresser, model boats, computers, mechanic.is there anything you can't do.

Well it's another day in here, the classes are taking their toll. It takes so much energy to go, that by the time I get in there I'm unable to take any of it in.

I hope you are ok today Jacques.

I'm so low it's hard to tell anyone because no one asks how I'm going.

Take care

Karen

[Jacques]

Hi My angel,

Oh yes, i am very pleased with it, i just hope it starts when i get it all back together again!!!!

Oh yes their is plenty i can't do, i just like to be a jack of all trades, mastering in none, 

It is always out of nessesity that i have learned how to do these things, as i can't afford to pay someone else to do it, so i learn.

Oh my angel, i could only imagine how hard it is, i would not be able to go to those classes, it is ok that you just stay their and listen, i am sure some of it will sink in, i know how numb you get when you are in with groups of people, i get that too, i also struggle to remember anything if i am anxious.

I am ok today Karen, very anxious but ok.

That is so sad, so their is no daily evaluation as to how you are coping?  how can they tell if the treatment they are giving you is effective?  it sounds like they are trying to rush patients through as quickly as possible.

Well i hoppe you feel you can speak to me about how you are, i do hope you get out of their soon, it sounds like it is doing more harm than good.

you are in my thoughts my angel.  take care

[hiddenite]

Jacques I can only tell you  that i still sh everyday in here and have a plan for the other. But no one to talk it through. So my safety is really no better off. I wish someone would listen so it's ok.

The staff are so busy they don't have time for me. Only for the loud and obnoxious.

I'm sorry you are anxious Didn't you sleep very well?

I was trying to send you positive vibes so you could get some sleep.

Thinking of you

Karen