No longer able to support my husband - eeeek!

[exhausted101]

Hi,

I'm new to this forum and realtively new to having a husband that is now prepared to accept that he needs some help to get through life and manage himself and the impact he has on people around him.

We've been married for 18 years.  the first 10 were relatively up and down but much less reactive and chaotic than the last 8.  My husband has finally been diagnosed with ADHD.  My husband has refused to accept that his behaviour is a problem, impacts on others and our relationship.

I can't begin to describe how difficult it has been to be married to someone who is not your partner.  Someone who is another adult child, who is such a contradiction that you know they love you but don't treat you as a loved one, is quick to blame you for their short comings, gets angry easily not only at me but at our kids. Has caused harm and trauma to all of us, yet rests the blame firmly with anyone or anything else around him.  I crave / need to have a realtinosihp with someone who converses as an adult, who doesn't just consistently put up barriers and refuses to engage when something is 'fearful' for him.

My profile name is exhausted101, becuase I'm at the end of my ability to support him and my exhausted is exhausted.  For the first time in my life I find myself in a situation that I can't manage - well I can but to do so I need to leave.  I have been his wife, manager, counsellor, mother, decision maker, money manager, thinker, supporter, for so long that I've forgotten about myself and now I'm broken.

My husband does not address anything until it gets to the point of extreme.  5 years ago i told him i was leaving if he didn't get some help. It didn't matter what I had asked him to do prior to that or supported him to do etc, it got really bad for our whole family (lots of anger from my husband and responses to the kids, like a kid).  When he sought help he was incorectly diagnosed with anxiety.  The medicaiton for anxiety tended to dull some of the behaviours and assisted for a time, until things became really bad again.

The ADHD diagnosis is newly professionaly diagnossed.  And for the first time ever in his 47 years, my husband is finally prepared to accept that he has a mentail illness / behavioural disorder that he requires support to manage. This hasn't changed any of the behaviours, but it has made him aware of them, but not before only hours after.  This is an improvement and I don't want to understate how difficult it is for him.  But this post is about me, because not much has been about me in the past 18 years.

I'm at the end and not sure I can re-engage with him enough to get through this period of time while he learns to manage ADHD and the medication kicks in.  I keep asking myself, when is enough, enough!  When do i walk away because I can't be helpful in this situation anymore becuase I'm broken.  I don't know the answers and keep telling myself to try and get through the next few months.  I don't want to be a part of causing any further trauma to our two beautiful children.

I'm not really looking for answers from anyone else, i'm the only one that can make decisions about what I can and can't do.  I'm really just seeking out anyone who is or has been in a similar situation, that I can maybe communicate with - sometimes that can make it seem less like you are alone and trying to deal with this in isolation.

Thanks for listening.

Vickie

[CherryBomb]

Hi @exhausted101

Welcome to the Forums.

Wow, 18 years is a long time to not have chance to care about you. It's no wonder you're exhausted is exhausted'. You sound burnt out. It's understandable that you are questioning if you can endure any more. May I ask, what would it be like for you if his behaviour and the impact of his behaviour remained the same for another five years? I also wonder what it would be like if (in an ideal world), you were able to have some you time. What would you need for this to happen?

Knowing when and where to draw a line in the sand is challenging for many carers. You might want to check out some other threads where people are experiecning similar difficulties. @Kiera80 started this post, Thinking of throwing the towel in and walking away. @aristosane started Burnout. 

I started this post about Compassion Fatigue. Recently @fran @maddison @Former-Memberand @Luigi to name a few shared their thoughts on experiences feeling like their compassion was running on reserves, and some of things they did/do to cope. Perhaps they can share some thoughts here?

CherryBomb

[Former-Member]

Hi @exhausted101

Firstly, welcome to the Forums! And thank you for sharing your story. 🙂 It sounds like you have really been struggling for a long time, so I hope you feel safe and welcome here.

You are certainly not alone in your experience as I think several other forum members could relate to aspects of your story. I know fellow member @zipper has a husband living with depression for 10 years. She started a thread Wives Caring for Husbands that you might find relatable.

@Tatsinda @lucky @cheersquad @Former-Member @Shaz51 @Violet @Former-Member @GivingMick and @Alessandra1992 have each found themselves in the role of carer to their respective husbands and I imagine could relate to aspects of your story. Though the diagnosis may differ, I imagine many of the relationship issues are similar. I wonder if they could offer any support or suggestions to you right now.

@exhausted101 I can see you are grappling with the quality of your marriage right now… ponding whether to stay or move on, as you are feeling like your husband is not really a ‘partner’ for you. That is an interesting delineation you have made - being married does not necessary make you partners in life, does it? Good food for thought. These are big decisions you are facing, and it reminded me of a recent thread you might like to check out here, which discusses ideas around what constitutes a healthy relationship. I hope it can help bring a bit more clarity for you.

Again welcome to the Forums and please keep us updated about how things are going. 

Take care,
Mosaic.

[zipper]

Hi Exhausted

Im sorry that it has come to this awful situation.

Yes it is hard, yes it is lonely and yes it is absolutely exhausting. I fully understand about not married to the man you married. You have to grieve for that man while accepting a new man that you dont like very much. Its hard isnt it?

I understand the part of doing everything but my husband sought help, so I cant fully understand your situation.

My suggestion, start small, go for the weekend. Do you have family you can go to. Make it fun for the kids and not adding more anxiety to their stresses, or make it somewhere fun, like a cabin at a camping ground. I understand money always comes into it as well, thats why I suggested family. Make it a regular thing, maybe a weekend a month. This way you can get your strength and resolve back

See if his family will take him away, get them involved. Say you need a break and if they dont take him for a night they will have him full time - then watch them run!

Sometimes people on the outside dont see how broken you are, because you are managing so well. It might be time to admit to someone that you cant do it anymore. Stay with them and let them look after you, just sit back.

There are women out there who do understand, while not being in your exact situation, have had the same feelings of hopelessness. So remember you are not alone

zz

xx

[Former-Member]

I had to walk away for my quality of life & my own health as well as my financial future. My gift was to get my hubby to definitive care, like yours the behaviours & patterns he stuck to. Happy to help

[cheersquad]

Hi @exhausted101,

I agree welcome to the forums I have found this community amazing over the last few years. Whilst I don't always contribute so good to know that I can reach out if I need to.

The first thing I say wow 18 years no wonder why you are exhausted.

You are in such an amazingly difficult situation that could take many different paths. I love the questions above and think they are spot on.

When I was at a similar crossroads a couple of years ago step one for me was some space. I was really clear with my husband what I was doing and why and that I needed him to think through what he wanted and tell me when he wanted me back. I was willing to fight for us but he had to too. For us that strategy worked but I know it doesn't for everyone. Hoping you find some 'you' time to start the process of knowing your next direction and healing.

I am lucky in that he actively manages his anxiety depression and OCD but life is anything but smooth sailing.

We have a number of strategies that help him manage his health but don't always work for me. I have to compromise with this and at times life is isolating lonely and exhausting.

I am clear though that I love him and he is my partner in life and can't imagine it without him. When he is sick I can doubt the sense behind this decision but lucky for me it's been a while since any lengthy illness.

A good friend once said to me only I can know what we have and what is right for me. Ignore the many who will give you advice both ways and give yourself some space and I'm sure you will work it out.

Have hope that life will get better.

Also check out the wives caring for husband's some great posts on there.

Cheersquad

[cheersquad]

I forgot to add does he have any family or siblings. At our cross roads I involved them for the first time and it's the best thing I ever did. I did it because I thought I was handing them the problem but what ended up happening is that if he is unwell they are now part of support team means I can focus on being a wife not carer and my exhaustion levels are far less.

[Former-Member]

I did everything I could think of to keep us together, the most intense was the last 3 years.

I'm very grateful I had a great psychologist to help me open him up to the idea that he'd actually been sick for 30 years.

With my 20:20 rear view specs on the love was unconditional & always will be, however the relationship is conditional & too many deal breakers where done and continued once a line in the sand was drawn.

[Shaz51]

hello @exhausted101, @Former-Member, @cheersquad, @zipper, @Former-Member,

Been to so many doctors and specialists thinking my hubby has ADHD , and other things which they just finally put it down to clinical depression, anxiety , GAD, etc , tryed so many medication etc

[cheersquad]

@Former-Member what a tough road you've had but it sounds like you did all you can and you are peace and can start living for you. What a brave move but so amazing that he is finally getting help.